Self-Portrait
Last week I had the opportunity to try something new at the Enso Photography Studio. It was a two-fold challenge.
My primary goal at the studio was to try out lighting options for future projects that my mind is continuously creating. My studio and lighting skills are relatively scarce and are a part of my improvements bucket list. Therefore, that on its own was a trial.
Testing different options, understanding the impact that the light has depending on where it stands, and what kind of mood I wanted to bring to the portrait - defining which setup would cause the desired result.
I took myself as the subject in front of the camera to try out the options. Not only for convenience reasons (being able to take my time, without distractions) but also to put myself through the experience of the ones who will be sitting there at a later stage.
As you might have noticed, being in front of the camera is often something I dread. I instead hide behind it. I love taking pictures of people, having humans in front of the camera. But I run as soon as I see a lens pointing on my direction. Hence, the second challenge.
Sitting at a chair and having that black hole staring at me, trying to not look too weird in front of it. My primary intention wasn't to achieve a proper portrait of myself; I only wanted to investigate the lighting options. However, once I started it, I realized how awful it looked. I didn't particularly appreciate how the pictures were coming out. Not anymore because of the lighting, since eventually I reached what I wanted from a technical perspective, but because of the subject - myself.
I wasn't satisfied at all with the results. Realizations of extra pounds gained, of a wicked smile, chubby cheeks, and the list of negative attributes started growing. I sympathized with Regula, who was annoyed with me last weekend when I was documenting her work. The empathy extended to all individuals who ever stood (and will still stand) in front of my camera.
It also reminded me of a talk with Alessandra a few days prior about how personal it can be to take a shot of another individual. Which, to be honest, is the part I love about my job - getting to know different people, connecting with them, learning about realities, sympathize, and try to capture their true essence in a fraction.
Suddenly, I am the one sitting there, in front of the camera - being the victim of my own work. I felt vulnerable. Judged by myself in so many different layers.
A few years back, while working at a photography studio specialized in CV pictures, I learned that everyone is beautiful, each one in their way. I started seeing beauty in every face I photographed. And to many, I had to remind them of not being too critical with themselves.
This time, I was the one there, on the other side of the camera. Having to give myself the same pieces of advice I always give others. The goal now was to achieve something that I was at least partially content about. That I could look at, and be happy with the result, from a technical, and a personal perspective. It took me a few shots, a few mind-shifts, a few breaths. But below a few of the ones I saved as to keep.
As to any job or situation, putting oneself on the other side of the spectrum is pivotal to empathize and hopefully improve understanding about self and others.
What started as a lighting/technical experiment, ended up being a deep dive into thoughts and perspectives.
